Monkey Attack!

Da dum......

Da dum.....

ATTACK!

You're off the guest list, Voltaggio.

WTF?

Bryan Bobble Head: WTF?!

Me: Layoff, it's late and I'm just hungry.

Bryan Bobblehead: WTF?!

Me: I'm heading out of town and I didn't have time to pick anything up so it was a freezer raid, so shut it.

Bryan Bobblehead: This meal of your falls as flat as a child's souffle. Unless it is my kid's souffle because they are glorious and he is following in the footsteps of greatness.

Me: I actually wouldn't doubt that for a second.

Bryan Bobblehead: WTF?

Me: Stop looking!

Bryan Bobblehead: I can't it's like a train wreck. If I wasn't already in a permanent state of glaring, I would cue my glare at you now.

Me: (SIGH)

Howdy Partners!

Bryan Bobblehead: Howdy!

Me: Aw geez! Are you for real?

Bryan Bobblehead: I never kid about chili

Me: When I told you I was going to be making chili, I really didn't expect this? I do love your mustache? How'd you cut that out what with your arms being frozen into a sullen stance?

Bryan Bobblehead: Don't question my powers.

Me: What powers?

Bryan Bobblehead: The powers of my inner cowboy.

Me: Now you're really just making sh** up.

Bryan Bobblehead: (screaming and speaking quickly) DO NOT QUESTION MY POWERS!!!!

Me: Okay then, don't get your plastic panties in a twist.

Bryan Bobble: Well little lady, I like what you're fixin'. That thar looks like a hog-killin' time in a pot.

Me: Um....thanks? I think. What does that mean exactly?

Bryan Bobblehead: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you're not fluent in Ye Olde Western slang.

Me: Isn't "Ye olde" from medieval times?

Bryan Bobblehead: Little lady do not talk back to your elders! "A hog-killin' time" means a real good time. I actually thought that something you made looked and smelled delicious, and here I go trying to make you feel good and pretty and you have to go kill the moment. I mean, if I'm going to be treated this way then maybe I should just leave....

Me: I completely understand if you'd like some assistance with the door.....

Bryan Bobblehead: But since I know you cannot survive without your lil' sheriff over here I will dismiss your rudeness and we can just move on.

Me: Really? Are you sure? I mean I totally understand if....

Bryan Bobblehead: Moved on.

Me: Oh, Okay.

Bryan Bobblehead: I see you have busted out your soup pot, a wise choice that should have been made at the beginning of this Oregon Trail.

Me: Now you're just throwing in any Western related euphemism you can think of.

Bryan Bobblehead: Perhaps. By the way, where's the meat?

Me: There is no meat, this a vegetarian chili.

Bryan Bobblehead: Whoa, whoa! Are you trying to kill me. I'm a cowboy not an alfalfa desperado!

Me: (Blankly stares)

Bryan Bobblehead: Fine! I'm not a vegetarian, I want meat!

Me: I think you'll survive. I'm using butternut squash and black beans to add that protein factor and I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Bryan Bobblehead: (sullen) Doubt it

Me: And just for that I am totally going to make you the butt of a dick joke.

Bryan: Hardy-har-har. Very funny.

Me: Well it made me laugh. And now we let it cook for a few hours, and then you'll see.

Bryan Bobblehead: Hmmm.......

2 hours later

Me: You have to admit it is tasty.

Bryan Bobblehead: I will admit that you are a brash breachy.

Me: I don't even want to know.

When Bobbleheads Attack!

Bryan Bobblehead: What you up to girlfriend?

Me: Just cooking up another Dorie Greenspan recipe from my new cookbook, chicken tagine to be more specific.

Bryan Bobblehead: Girl, you so crazy!

Me: Um...have you suddenly turned into a sassy black woman? And what are you doing here?

Bryan Bobblehead: 1) I wish! 2) I live in this kitchen and you need me.

Me (as I continue to chop onions and prep the chicken): How do you figure?

Bryan Bobblehead: Well you can't deny I bring something to this relationship. My steely blue gaze......

...hot tattoos....

and a tight ass.

Plus, you just effed up the chicken thus proving my point that you need a professional in this shamble of a kitchen.

Me: It's fine.

Bryan Bobblehead: Oh really, let's take a closer look....

....That is what you get for not fully reading directions and not knowing the basics of proper chicken preparation.

Me: Listen plastic boy, I know you have a fair point but this chicken is soon going to be smothered in all kinds of deliciousness and a little missing skin will be unnoticeable.

Bryan Bobblehead: I can see where you are going with this, but somehow I feel like you will fail.

Me: Thanks for the support.

Bryan Bobblehead: That's what I'm here for sista!

45 minutes later: cous cous cooked, and tagine finished and plated.

Bryan Bobblehead: I don't know, it looks a bit questionable.

....and did you just take a picture without me. Let's take another shot.

Me: Ugh you are a pain in my....(rudely interrupted)

Bryan Bobblehead: CHEESE!

(Snap)

Me: Listen, I know that this tagine may not win best in show, looks wise, but it tastes delicious. Chicken falling off the bone, sweet potatoes, prunes, cinnamon, saffron, and a dash of awesomeness make this a winning recipe.

Bryan Bobblehead: Say what you want, this is when I'm glad I don't have to try any of the crazy things you cook.

Me: You realize that I am bigger than you?

Bryan Bobblehead: You don't scare me.

(muffled voice from the kitchen drawer)

I was just kidding girl! HAHAHA! You know I was just joshing ya! Okay? We're cool right? You gonna let me out soon right? Right.......?

(Author's note: This recipe really was delicious, albeit some mistakes on my part. Thanks!)

Cooking with a Voltaggio

Me: Let's welcome our kitchen guest tonight, Bryan Voltaggio

Bryan: Excuse me, do not lie to the two people that actually take the time to read this craphshoot you call a blog.

Me: What do you mean?

Bryan: Tell them.

Me: Fine! Welcome my Bryan Voltaggio bobblehead!

Bryan Bobblehead: Now that's more like it. Okay, so what are we cooking tonight?

Me: I'm not really sure.....I was thinking...

Bryan Bobblehead: Awe geez! Do I have to do all the work around here?

Me: No, I swear, I kinda thought.....

Bryan Bobblehead: Errrr! Try again sweet cheeks. Just listen to your ol' bobblehead friend and grab that cookbook your sis and bro-law gave you for Christmas.

(Me finds said cookbook and comes back to the kitchen)

Brayn Bobblehead: Now that's what I'm talking about. Let's just open this up.......

...Some help would be nice.

Me: Sorry about that.

Bryan: Dude! First recipe and I'm already in heaven. Ol' Dorie Greenspan knows how to get my dough to rise. Hahahaha! See what I did there!

Me: Yeah, real clever.

Bryan Bobblehead: Shhh! I'm having a moment.....

...Okay let's get this started.

Me: Do I even have a choice in the matter?

Bryan Bobblehead: No, now get this stuff measured and make me some gougeres stat!

Me: Fine! But next time I'm picking.

Bryan Bobblehead: Yeah, yeah sure; now get moving.

5 minutes later

Me: Dorie was not lying about needing some elbow grease to incorporate these eggs in.

Bryan Bobblehead: Well since you were lazy and did not go to the gym you should just accept it as your punishment. Now keep stirring!

Another 5 minutes later.

Me: Done! Not to shabby if I say so myself.

Bryan Bobblehead: We'll see wannabe blogger girl.

Me: Thanks for the vote of confidence.....

30 minutes later.

Me: So there Bobblehead!

Bryan Bobblehead: Not bad. Looks pretty damn close to that pic. But what do they taste like?

Me: Like light, fluffy cheese clouds.

Bryan Bobblehead: Wow, that does sound amazing.

Me: I know right?! Sweet baby Jesus, these are delicious. And since you are just a bobblehead that I have placed my inner monologue on, I don't have to share any with you.

Bryan Bobblehead: Ouch, that hurt; but touche friend, touche.